Jar of Hearts

I realized something tonight. I was laying in bed and I had been thinking about how I had been rude and ungrateful to someone who was trying to help me. I was ignoring her and shutting her out. So I texted her and told her that I was sorry for being difficult and that I didn't mean it, etc. She texted me back a response that made me think and it has sort of turned my world upside-down. She said When you are ready to change, you will ask. I will be here, always. At first I was a little mad, no joke. I was reaching out the best I knew how and I was trying to accept her help, but she basically was telling me that I didn't want her help. She basically told me that I was too stubborn to let her help me. I don't know if that's what she meant, but that's how I took it, and I'm glad.

After I got over the initial shock, I thought about why she would think/ say that. And I started to realize that I fight every. single. person. who tries to help me. I fight it. I say thanks, but in my mind I think well, I'm done. I never let them help me. I always knew I was guarded, but what I didn't realize is that underneath my guard is a wall. A solid, cement wall that lets nothing else in. The problem is that for the first 15 years of my life, I let the wrong people in. I didn't filter people out of my life and they slowly broke me. My fault began when I started to assume that every person would one day hurt me and fail my expectations. So, I set my expectations low. And when people start to exceed them, I do one of two things: cut them out of my life completely, or I re-set my expectations to this impossibly unattainable level.

So, nobody has made it much further than that first set of expectations. The acquaintance-level. I don't have anyone to be close with. I don't know how to open up. I don't trust anyone, because for the longest time, I haven't had anyone to trust. People lie, people cheat, people say the wrong things. And then, I end up hurt. I have this twisted sense of how people interact, and I don't really know how to fix it. I don't know what it means to truly love someone. I don't know what it means to let someone in. I'm afraid of the rejection. I'm afraid of the judgement. But most importantly, I'm afraid of them accepting me. I'm afraid to be loved. I know how to be sad. I'm really good at it. I know how to be broken. But now, I want to be whole. Err, I want to want to be whole. I think I like the idea of being whole, but I'm scared. I'm scared of failing. I'm scared of being outside of my comfort zone. I'm afraid to let someone see me as I really am. I'm afraid to let people know who I truly am and what I am truly capable of.

I don't understand the meaning of love because the people who I have loved in the past, have been the wrong people. When I have been in trouble, I have this need to be understood, and yet I'm not willing to let anyone in. I expect people to just know me. To just see past it. To understand what I mean when I'm saying the opposite. I shut people out and I tell people to go away (through words and actions) and then I expect someone to ignore everything I have told them and just keep asking me. Except, when someone is rejected and treated with hostility OVER AND OVER, which is what I do, then they aren't particularly inclined to stick around.

I've had all of these promises broken, and so instead of trying to fix it and start over, I have given up on trying. I say I want help, but all I want is for my brokenness to be accepted and loved. In order for me to really truly get help, I need to let someone in. I need to tell someone something that I've never told before. I need to let out a secret and trust that it will remain a secret. So, I'm giving myself homework. That friend I mentioned earlier-- the one who told me she would be there when I was ready-- I'm going to tell her 5 secrets. 5 things I have never told anyone. 5 things that I am afraid to say because it will make me cringe because it will be hard and uncomfortable and maybe even a little bit awkward. There. It's written down. It's necessary. So, instead of someone making the effort first, I am going to take the first step. I'm going to. I am going to take one more step, because I can. I can be more than just a shadow of a person.