The World Spins Madly On

This isn't going to be a happy post. In fact, most of these won’t be happy posts. But, this is where I am and where I've been. So, if you want to read my blog, then you’re going to know that a lot of the times, things just aren't happy. This isn't supposed to make you feel sorry for me or anything, it’s just the truth. Here it goes?

You know that popular song by the weepies “The World Spins Madly On”? It’s one of my favorites. It starts out “I woke up and wished that I was dead/ with an aching in my head/ I lay motionless in bed”. Have you ever thought about that line? I mean really thought about that line? “I woke up and wished that I was dead”. Unless this has ever happened to you, then you can’t fully comprehend what I’m about to say. But you can try.

I remember the day I woke up and wished that I was dead. Actually, I remember the days. As in multiple, more than one, days. I remember the moment when I really truly wished that I was dead. I remember wishing I had never woken up. I wished that someone would just walk over to me and say, “Rachel, didn't you know? You died last night. Welcome to the afterlife.” But it never did. I remember laying there imagining this whole scene in my head. And everything was moving so fast. My brain wouldn't stop moving and thinking and I just wanted it to stop. I wanted to be numb. And so I stopped listening. I didn't listen to my brain. And then it did. It all went numb. Then a new thought entered my mind to fill the void. One that wouldn't ever leave. The kind that just happens over and over. That no matter how hard you try to make it go away, it just remains. Always in your brain. And this thought, it wasn't a good one. It was a scary one. Literally scared me. “Well, if you really want to be dead, just end it. You could. There are so many ways.” WHAT. You’re probably re-reading that again. Did she really just say that? Yes, I did. I can’t even tell you how many hours, days, and months I spent thinking of ways to kill myself. Yep. You read that correctly.  I did. Want to, I mean. I didn't have the courage or guts or whatever. I wasn't fully committed to it. But I wanted to. Because I didn't see the point. I had given up. I didn't think that it would ever end. Nobody understood me. Nobody was there. I just lay there in my bed, motionless. 

“And everything that I said I’d do, like make the world brand new.” We have these dreams. We dream of changing people’s lives, ending world hunger, turning the world upside-down. Well, I had a dream, too. I said a lot of things and as they started to crumble and fall, I knew it wouldn't happen. We dream and dream and dream, but until we do we are nothing more than words. 

“I just got lost and slept right through the dawn”. I did. I slept a lot. The girls in my hall all knew that I just slept. They all joked about it, but some understood that there was something wrong. I don’t think anyone really knew how to help me or fix me. So I slept. When you sleep, you don’t feel. You just sleep. Your brain shuts off. Your body relaxes. You’re motionless. I slept for days on end. If sleeping was an Olympic sport, I would have won gold, silver and bronze. Yes, I was THAT GOOD. I once slept 36 out of 48 hours. And the other 12? I spent them watching TV on Netflix. I was scared and lonely. I was hurting and in pain, but I was at a loss for words. I had nothing to do but sit and feel numb. You know how when you sit on your foot for too long it “falls asleep” and feels numb? That was my heart. My heart and soul were numb. My blank stares looked dead inside. There was no light, there was no life. Just dead, blank stares. 

“The whole world is moving and I’m standing still.” That’s what it felt like. I lay there in my bed, never moving. I watched as my roommate came and went and came again. I watched as fall turned to winter and winter into spring. I watched as classes finished and others began. I just watched. I wasn't there. I wasn't living. I just lay there and watched everyone else. I crawled myself into a hole—a really deep hole, mind you—and didn't know how to climb back out. My friends were all on the outside and I could see their shadows, but they didn't really exist. I knew they existed somewhere, but we weren't existing together. 

So, this song is more than just a song. It doesn't just sound pretty and uplift my soul. It fills my soul. Because someone somewhere knows a little bit of me. They know the feeling that words can’t fully convey. The world spins madly on. It doesn't stop just because you stop living. It still moves. There is a year of my life that I will never get back, and I hate to say it, but there will be more. The world just keeps going, and you can either choose to ride along or let it keep spinning without you. That’s what I get to do. Choose. And at least I still have the choice. Because some choices can’t be undone. When you choose something permanent, you can’t go back and say “wait, I messed up. Let me have a do-over”. No, it’s done. And so, I’m grateful that I was a coward and didn't commit. I'm grateful that I chose the choice where I could choose again. It means I’m still alive and I have another chance to keep moving on. 

And the world spins madly on...